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  Copyright & Information

  Parlour 4

  First published in 1984

  Copyright: John Stewart Literary Management Ltd. 1984-2012

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the prior permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

  The right of J.I.M. Stewart to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted.

  This edition published in 2012 by House of Stratus, an imprint of

  Stratus Books Ltd., Lisandra House, Fore Street, Looe,

  Cornwall, PL13 1AU, UK.

  Typeset by House of Stratus.

  A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library and the Library of Congress.

  EAN ISBN Edition

  0755130537 9780755130535 Print

  075513334X 9780755133345 Kindle

  075513365X 9780755133659 Epub

  This is a fictional work and all characters are drawn from the author’s imagination.

  Any resemblance or similarities to persons either living or dead are entirely coincidental.

  www.houseofstratus.com

  About the Author

  John Innes Mackintosh Stewart (who also wrote as Michael Innes) was born in Edinburgh where his father was Director of Education. He attended Edinburgh Academy before going up to Oriel College, Oxford where he was awarded a first class degree in English and won the Matthew Arnold Memorial Prize and was named a Bishop Frazer scholar. After a short interlude travelling with AJP Taylor in Austria, including studying Freudian psychoanalysis for a year, he embarked on an edition of Florio’s translation of Montaigne’s Essays. This subsequently helped him secure a post teaching English at Leeds University.

  In 1932, Stewart married Margaret Hardwick, who practised medicine, and they subsequently had three sons and two daughters. By 1935, he had been awarded the Jury Chair at the University of Adelaide in Australia as Professor of English and had also completed his first detective novel, ‘Death at the President’s Lodging’, published under the pseudonym ‘Michael Innes’. This was an immediate success and part of a long running series centred on ‘Inspector Appleby’, his primary character when writing as ‘Innes’. There were almost fifty titles completed under the ‘Innes’ banner during his career.

  In 1946, he returned to the UK and spent two years at Queen’s University in Belfast, before being appointed Student (Fellow and Tutor) at Christ Church, Oxford. He was later to hold the post of Reader in English Literature of Oxford University and upon his retirement was made an Emeritus Professor. Whilst never wanting to leave his beloved Oxford permanently, he did manage to fit into his busy schedule a visiting Professorship at the University of Washington and was also honoured by other Universities in the UK.

  Stewart wrote many works under his own name, including twenty-one works of fiction (which contained the highly acclaimed quintet entitled ‘A Staircase in Surrey’, centred primarily in Oxford, but with considerable forays elsewhere, especially Italy), several short story collections, and over nine learned works on the likes of Shakespeare, Kipling and Hardy. He was also a contributor to many academic publications, including a major section on modern writers for the Oxford History of English Literature. He died in 1994, the last published work being an autobiography: ‘Myself and Michael Innes’.

  J.I.M. Stewart’s fiction is greatly admired for its wit, plots and literary quality, whilst the non-fiction is acknowledged as being definitive.

  PARLOUR 4

  At the hydro we commonly had Parlour 4. There were several of these larger, and presumably more expensive, bedrooms on the ground floor – the idea no doubt being that their occupants thus had access to most of the public rooms (lounges, dining-room, ball-room, billiard-room and so on) as well as to the gardens and woodland walks surrounding the place, without having to put up with the fatigue of staircases. With my father it was chiefly, I suspect, a matter of prestige. Parlour 4 was the largest of these superior rooms, and he was displeased if it had been booked by somebody else. My father was, among other things, a local lad who made good. He was fond of calling himself a ‘Moray loon’.

  But there was one point of economy about the arrangement. A Parlour was large enough to harbour, as well as a married couple, a child or even a couple of children. This was quite a common disposition of things in Scotland in those days. I was an only child, with a bed in Parlour 4 as a matter of course: this still when I was a boy of six or even seven, and was perhaps beginning to think the arrangement a demeaning one. I am fairly sure that I graduated to a room of my own in the hydro on the holiday immediately following the one with which I am concerned here.

  The hydros were rather different from the hotels, and I liked them better: particularly the one in Moray. The hotels to which we frequently went were at seaside places, and if I had no aversion to the North Sea in itself – and particularly to a pottering sort of fishing from a rowing-boat – I did hate my obligatory immersions in those icy waters. Nor did I make much of the crowds of bucket-and-spade children on the beaches, being rather shy and tardy with miscellaneous acquaintances in general. The surroundings of the hydro were quite different: pine woods with many winding paths in them along which I could wander in solitude but seldom without reassuring glimpses through the trees of the big white building itself. At home in Edinburgh I used to lie in bed longing for our next visit to these with an intensity, a passion, which returns to me quite vividly now, some sixty years later. Like Wordsworth in his poem, I cannot paint what then I was, in this feeling for the sights and scents and rustlings of external nature. But with this, although I pause to mention it, there is little connection with what I am going to record.

  The hydro itself had more commonplace attractions. The public rooms seemed to me enormous but at the same time friendly. There were the mysterious ‘baths’, full of odd devices and smelling of mountains of hot towels, to which my father would companion me every morning. The dining-room had a large flat roof to which there was access up an external spiral staircase, and from one point I could glimpse on a nearby hill a curious tower known as the Nelson Monument. When I discovered that I could make my way to this, that its door (flanked by two small cannon) stood open, and that by climbing to its battlements I could look straight at what I thought of as the North Pole, my happiness in my solitude was entire.

  In a seaside hotel it seemed to be the convention that each couple or family largely kept itself to itself, with little more than civil exchanges on one’s way in or out of a dining-room. In a hydro (perhaps as a matter of tradition percolating from the ‘watering places’ of England) there was much more of sociable getting together. This was true of tennis courts and croquet lawns and bowling greens and billiard tables – at all of which people picked up partners in a companionable way. Children of my own age made their first indulged essays on these. In my earliest teens I was to become quite an accomplished billiard-player, although I have seldom had a cue in my hands since.

  Our days, of course, were not spent exclusively on these diversions. Both my parents had a good many relations within visiting distance, and in the course of three weeks or a month we would call on most of them in some style. ‘Style’ meant a hired carriage-and-pair – the two horses being excused by the mildly hilly character of the region. I recall very little of the people with whom we thus went to lunch or tea, but I do now realise that they were a surprisingly mixed crowd. Some lived in large houses and owned numerous dogs. Others were much less assuming; their parlours and kitchens and farmyards h
arboured a variety of smells which equally stimulated my curiosity and offended my taste. And one individual I do remember very well: a middle-aged man who had contrived in youth to spike his wrist with a dirty pitch-fork (a difficult feat when one attempts to visualise it) and who thus exhibited a hideous deformity whenever he passed the butter, or pressed upon me a bowl of geans – a species of wild cherry agreeable in itself but surprisingly apt to make a small boy rapidly feel rather sick.

  I now know that the grander people were connected with my mother and the humbler with my father. But he, at least, gave very little sign of being affected at all by this unusual breadth to our social spectrum. He was a sculptor by profession, and already of considerable eminence. He liked, I imagine, to exhibit the classlessness of what used to be called Bohemia. This – perhaps oddly – inclined him at times to doggedly extravagant behaviour: for example, spouting in public more or less topical passages from Macbeth, or kissing a serving wench behind a scullery screen, or even shocking our fellow-guests by some ingenious breach of their proprieties. He was also fond of what he called sometimes a ‘dram’ and sometimes a ‘peg’. He judged this dash of whisky – as did most of our hosts – to be an appropriate stirrup cup on departure.

  On both the outward and the inward legs of these expeditions I was commonly allowed to sit on the box beside the driver – a position from which it was no doubt possible to obtain an extensive view of the surrounding countryside. What more commanded my attention, however, was the behaviour of the two mares, the hindquarters of which were jogging along in front of me. I admired the grace with which now one and now the other elevated its tail, disclosed peculiarities of anatomy unsuspected to a normal view, and effortlessly defecated (but never staled) without altering its pace in any way. I mention this trivial and even disagreeable circumstance in compensation for what, later on, some readers may regard as an inadequate interest in certain conceivably sexual undertones of my narratives.

  On these drives my grandmother, for some reason, seldom accompanied us. And now I find that I have, through sheer inexpertness, failed so much as to mention the old lady! She was my grandmother on the maternal side; she lived for the greater part of the year totally inert in a small house in Elgin, ministered to by two maids; and when we were at the hydro she would frequently join us for a week’s ‘rest’ there. She was a simple-minded old soul, and presently I shall have to touch her in when mentioning a small episode which reflects, I fear, very adversely on my juvenile character. I have already exhibited myself—have I not?—in a glancing way as a somewhat shy and sensitive child. It is with regret that I shall reveal that I was rather a sly child as well.

  And now I return to the main scene of my story.

  The hydro employed a lady who was called, I think, the Entertainer. She did herself occasionally entertain to the extent of giving short ‘recitals’ on the piano, but her chief task was to devise and promote entertainments engaged in by the guests themselves. As most of these were normally staid Scots, and as the Scottish ethos is commonly and justly thought of as on the dour side, her employment might readily be imagined as a not particularly grateful one. But this wasn’t so. Miss McPhail was much admired for having no end of ‘go’, and she could regularly coax the great majority of us into a surprising variety of evening gaieties. The chief of these was dancing, and for this almost nightly diversion the hydro ran to a small orchestra. Although without much experience of social behaviour, I believe I was often surprised by the brio which quite elderly people normally of the quietest comportment put into waltzing and the newfangled fox-trot, and even more into what some enthusiastic Gaelic bard has called ‘hurricanes of Highland reels’. I didn’t myself much like the dances with a single partner, since I found stumbling gyratings with a small girl embarrassing rather than pleasurable. Indeed, if I remember aright, the mere taking of the floor for such a purpose often had the odd effect of making me positively fail to hear the music: a decided disability in a dancing man. But I was all right at the foursomes and eightsomes, and could even join my high treble to the hoots and yells prescriptive from the male participants. There was a quieter form of Scottish country-dance called the ‘Haymakers’ which I particularly enjoyed.

  For those guests – elderly for the most part – who cared neither to dance nor watch dancing, there was a ‘card room’ which I was told I must by no means enter, and which rather suggested to my mind a chapel set aside for private prayer and devotion, although those frequenting it no doubt did so in the interest of whist, bridge, or some popular card game of the moment. But there was a further and much larger room known as the ‘badminton room’, in which shuttlecocks could be banged to and fro across a net on days too wet or windy for this exercise out of doors. It was the place of principal resort on nights upon which there was no dancing, and it was here that Miss McPhail chiefly came into her own, organising all sorts of paper games for young and old alike. But she was far from stopping at that. We were divided into sides for playing dumb crambo or enacting charades, and a few guests even improvised little sketches dignified with the title of ‘private theatricals’. These latter were disapproved of by others, on principles suggesting that our Scottish post-Edwardian world remained not all that far from Mansfield Park. This much amused my father, whose own standards, I suppose, were those of his fellow-artists in Edinburgh. Incidentally, it was my noticing how he had to be careful at not too quickly guessing words and finding rhymes and so on in the paper games that first instructed me that he was a man whose abilities didn’t stop short at the use of mallet and chisel. So far as I can remember, he even avoided ever emerging as the winner of a game called ‘Guess Who I Am’.

  ‘Guess Who I Am’ was not a complicated game, and its title is almost self-explanatory. Miss McPhail possessed a large number of sheets of paper, on each of which was written the name of some more or less celebrated person, whether male or female, living or dead. One of these papers she would pin to the back of everybody taking part, and everybody would then hurry round asking everybody else questions like ‘Am I British?’ or ‘Am I a famous highwayman?’ or the like, which had to be truthfully answered by the person interrogated. As soon as one believed that one had thus arrived at one’s identity one hurried off to Miss McPhail, who credited one with a mark if one was right, and substituted a new name for the detected one.

  In this game, which was a very light-hearted affair, I was allowed to join, although my knowledge of celebrities was inevitably extremely limited. Quite soon, however, I suddenly began to score, and it is here that my confession of precocious moral turpitude must be made.

  My grandmother on her visits to the hydro took no active part in any of these diversions, and had indeed a very imperfect notion of what was going on. She did, however, like to sit by the wall and watch. She liked watching ‘Guess Who I Am’, and there came an occasion upon which an impulse of quite innocent affection prompted me to attempt drawing her into it as she sat. So I went up to her, turned my back, and was about to devise some appropriate question when she herself spoke on a note of gentle surprise.

  ‘Dear me!’ my grandmother said, ‘Lord Roberts of Kandahar! Now, fancy that.’

  I realised in a flash that the old lady had no notion of the game, but that the appearance of her grandson with a little label on his back came to her as something like a simple exercise in reading. So I kissed my grandmother (I blush as I record the fact now) and hurried off to Miss McPhail.

  ‘I’m Lord Roberts,’ I said – and with hideous cunning gave the impression that ‘Kandahar’ was beyond me. I got my mark at once. Miss McPhail clearly felt that here was a clever little boy. With a new name on my back, I asked appropriate childish questions of several players before once more presenting myself to my grandmother.

  ‘Well, I declare,’ my grandmother said. ‘Mr George Meredith!’

  Inevitably, I quickly overreached myself. (I think it was when I told Miss McPhail that I was Lilly Langtry.) The Entertainer tumbled to what was
going on, and gently told me to remove myself from the game. Unfortunately, my mother by some means became aware of my iniquity at once, and there and then packed me off to bed in disgrace. My father wouldn’t have been pleased by my exploit, but he would have laughed it off, and let be – in which case my mother, whom I knew to be far from the dominant one of the pair, would have acquiesced without fuss. So the way it actually fell out was what schoolboys at that time would have called hard cheese. I was upset, and sulked for days. And upon this, there was a further penalty. It was decided that the mischief had resulted from my being ‘over-excited’, and that an earlier bedtime must be the rule for the rest of the holiday. So instead of being allowed up till nine or later I had to be in bed in Parlour 4 by half-past eight. All this made me believe – of course quite mistakenly – that the entire hydro was aware of my absurd cheating and was laughing at me. Abruptly, my small paradise had turned into something quite different.

  And needless to say, I had no further truck with the Entertainer’s entertainments. The mere half-hour after dinner now allowed me before retiring to Parlour 4 I spent in a room actually labelled ‘Reading Room’, struggling through Black Beauty, which seemed to be the autobiography of a horse, and which I had lately been given as a prize at the end of my first year at a kind of baby-school. It was a dull occupation after having so lately been Lord Roberts of Kandahar. Had child psychologists existed in those days they might possibly have described me as ‘disturbed’. Certainly my sleeping-habits were upset. Usually I was sound asleep in my alcove in Parlour 4 long before my parents came to bed. Now, I was sometimes still awake. And sometimes, too, I woke up in the darkness of midnight, and didn’t like that at all.